I wrote this piece last November after I’d had surgery for a bone graft in my jaw.
I wasn’t in the happiest place but I’m pleased to say that didn’t last very long. I was anxious to get off my painkillers and back to my normal self. I’m grateful that I was able to do that quite quickly.
The idea of floating on clouds sounds dreamy and picturesque. Far away from the world, drenched in warm sunlight and peacefully alone.
I don’t feel like that. I feel far away from the world for sure, but not in any good way. I feel strangely detached from everything except my pain. Dull and hot, it rears its head persistently until I sedate it with medication. Then it begrudgingly leaves for several hours, but it always comes back worse.
I feel indifferent and apathetic about everything, unable to be optimistic. The sunlight above the clouds just blinds me to everything going on; I can no longer see or understand the people around me. I don’t know how to behave or relate to them anymore. I feel alone, but it is far from peaceful. I am in turmoil, being told to rest when all I want to do is be with people I love.
All I can do is wait it out and hope nothing is damaged in this pending time.
Perhaps you’ve experienced something to this effect before. When something is wrong but you just feel distant and dull about it all. Maybe this is a result of a medication such as antidepressants, anxiety medication or treatment for hyperactivity, or maybe you’re just feeling off.
My encouragement to you is that this feeling does not last forever. I’m having further surgery next week and I will no doubt receive painkillers after that too. But I’m not afraid of them now. I understand that their effects are not always indicative of my true feelings or intentions. I can be gracious with myself. And so can you.