humbled

Photo by Mikey Dabro on Pexels.com

It is August of 2022, I’m in my postgraduate studies, working a part time job, serving in my church and university ministries and on the road to future work in counselling. I am in awe of how much God has allowed me to learn this year about his children, including myself.

As I look back at my high-school self, I really thought I knew it all. I thought I knew all the best ways to live a good life and be a good person. Now I see that although I had the best intentions, I was quite legalistic and not as loving as I aspire to be. Self reflection is not for the weak hearted, and I can observe many ways I have changed my views and actions to reflect my new understandings of people and the world.

I have loved much and lost much… given up some things and chased others… and I have come into myself in astonishing ways. I am working on deeply vulnerable aspects of my life, reflecting on my self-image, relationship tendencies, my faith and my worth. I am achieving so much, and yet still failing at so much! And it is a joy to fail, because it teaches me how to improve.

When I started this blog, I had a lot to say but had little power and no voice. I was seventeen, with big ideals and strong opinions. I wanted to comfort myself and others, to investigate morality, mercy and justice. But I was limited. I wouldn’t say I was oppressed, but I just couldn’t do all the things I can do now as an adult.

At this point in my life, I find myself with a lot to say again, but I have outlets. I have a degree behind me and I’m still undergoing professional education and development. I have a job which funds my everyday life, a car I can drive, a home I can live comfortably in for the next couple of years. I have incredible friends, who are there through thick and thin, who care and want to listen to my voice. I don’t have to scream into the void anymore.

I am retiring this blog tonight because it has served its purpose.

It had time to be secret.

It had time to be public.

It had time where it was abandoned without closure.

Now it is time for it to disappear

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